Finding Love

At my current age, I figure I am about half way through my earthbound life given my genes, my health and modern medicine.  (I'll spare you my religious and spiritual views for another day.)  By now I thought I would be planning for retirement, planning what trip to go on next, and possibly be searching for that little place on a lake where I can write my first novel.  The last thing I thought I would be considering is with whom I'm going to be doing those things with.

Fact is, and we know this and still try to alter it's path, no one can really plan where the road in our life will take us.  Mine seemed to detour a ways back and ended at the edge of the proverbial cliff.  At the time I questioned what I was supposed to do next.  Was I to take the easy way out and jump off or was I to make my way back and find another route.   

Jumping off looked like it might hurt a little but at the time nothing could possibly of hurt more - except one thing - my little girl.  So with her held close in my heart I had no choice but to turn back around and head off to try to figure out where it is I was supposed to go from there.  Going back to where I started wasn't an option although my heart ached for that place where life was good - life was fun.  Each step forward from there was going to be uncharted territory.  Where's that GPS when you need it???

I've distracted myself a lot over the past 4 years with a move to another province, a new home, a promotion at work, a few holidays, renovations, etc. but let's face it - there is only so much retail therapy a person can do to fill a void of love before that too becomes mundane.  Even the Silver Bullet can only go so far - despite its new attachments. 

Truth is, the thought of dating again for me is really really scary.  It's not the same when I was 20, 25, or for that matter 30ish.  Dating back then was fun for the most part.  Ya, sure, my heart got trampled a few times in my younger days but I got it figured out eventually and dating and boys and bars were all part of growing up.  Good Times.  Plus, back then my body rocked and I'd have no issues with lifting the shirt and flashing the boobs while yelling "they're real and they're spectacular!".  But now that gravity has set in, I think they would get caught in the ribbing at the bottom of my sweater and make their presence known one at a time - and not in a graceful fashion I might add.  Bad visual.  Besides, what would I say now?  "They're still real and not so spectacular"?  I jest.  Body image is just a very very small part.

There is a lot more at stake now.  I have someone else to have to think of - my little girl.  I don't want to be leap frogging from man to man to figure out who I am compatible with and who would be a positive male figure in my daughter's life.  I don't want to be introducing a man into my life and into her life and have her perhaps get attached then maybe have her heart broken again if it doesn't work out.  Fear people.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of opening myself up.  Fear of letting my guard down. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of actually falling in love again.  It just seems easier to be single for her and for I than to put myself out there.

But then there is an even bigger picture.  One day my little girl will grow up.  It will happen way sooner than I want it to.  She will want to spread her wings and be on her own.  Despite her telling me she will live with me forever,  she will move out.  She will move on.  She, too, will be dating and eventually falling in love.  She will, no doubt, be an amazing woman as she is a child.

I have been reminded that we are not created to go this all alone and for those of the Christian faith, why Eve was created for Adam.  How does one argue with God?

When I last left you, I had joined the land of on-line dating and I had thought I would be able to take you along with me on the journey and perhaps share some fun and exciting stories in the dating world.  Truth is, it was painful.  The few dates I did have were not noteworthy and I couldn't bring myself to making it appear exciting when it totally lacked lustre.  There was yellow argyle sweater vest man with matching socks that took me to a movie (of his choice despite asking me what I would like to see) and paid for it with a free coupon.  There was Mr. Salesman that called me by another woman's name during Eha chat and offered an excuse about his aunt or something lame.  And there was cutey patootey army dude that got upset because my headlight was out 2 days in a row and I had empty Tim Hortons cups in my car.  Dude, I recycle.  (The only reason he made it to a second date was because he had a hot bod and I was secretly hoping he would get laryngitis so I didn't have to listen to him.  Call me shallow.)  The list goes on ... but I won't.

Even with the date disasters, I was still being asked to see them again.  Not surprising.  Have you seen me?  Just kidding.  At the end of the date, it would go something like this: 

Him:  Wow, I had a great time tonight.  I can tell you did too.

Me:  silent but thinking Really?  Really?  Are you talking to me? as I look over my shoulder to see if there was someone else present.

Him:  I really like you.  Would you like to go out again sometime?

Me:  No.

Him:  with a shocked look on his face Ah No???

Me:  No.

Him:  Oh. Ah ...

Me:  running to get into my jeep like the Ikea commercial Start the car!!!. 

The above is not even a slight embellishment - well maybe the running to the car, but for the most part this is how I remember it.  To be honest, I was kind of proud of myself for being so truthful and not caving to the pressure of making them feel good.  The date sucked.  Period.  

So after a few attempts, I surrendered to the fact that perhaps on-line dating is just not for me and again I am back to now what?  It has been suggested to me that I now have to find places to go and put myself out there to be available.  This of itself is a hard concept for me to embrace.  Bars are not an option at my age but that is the only experience I have had in my younger days.  Having moved, I've left behind my adult friends of 20 some years and breaking into new social circles in a small town is difficult.  The friends I have been with recently are old high school friends and some have told me they think I am "too good" for any of the guys they know and wouldn't dare subject them on me.  I think that is a compliment?  Um, thanks???  

So I got to thinking about love and how one actually "finds" it.  I asked a few of my peeps "how did you find love?"  And the answer each time has been "it just happened".  Interesting.  They weren't looking.  Love just found them.  How great is that?

And with that epiphany, there is no doubt in my mind I will venture into this place once again but when the time is right and when it is right for me.  And when it is right for me, I will be able to let my little girl see from the beginning how wonderful love can be - how love should be - to not be afraid of the unknown - to open ones heart and embrace those that come into it.

I'm patient.  I'm in no hurry. Good things come to those who wait.

Love will come knocking.

Ding Dong